Got Root on a Commodore 64? Cool Story!

Listen up, graybeards and neophytes alike. The cybersecurity landscape is crawling with posers masquerading as “ethical hackers.” They think a few certs and a Kali download make them hotshots. While we love the enthusiasm, let’s just say some folks get a little ahead of themselves. Consider this your guide to spotting the well-intentioned but slightly clueless.

Archetype 1: The Cert Chaser

• ID: Their LinkedIn bio triggers acronym-induced nausea. You could play certification bingo with them and win every time.
• Habitat: Lurking in corporate webinars and online forums, regurgitating buzzwords in company meetings to look smart.
• Mating Call: “According to NIST framework 800-whatever…”
• DANGER: A walking security liability. Knows enough to sound knowledgeable, but not enough to actually protect anything.

Archetype 2: The Talker

• ID: Could sell ice cubes in a blizzard with their tales of cyberwarfare and elite hacker collectives. Half their stories are lifted from Reddit threads, the other half is pure BS.
• Habitat: Cons, comment sections, anywhere they can sound like they’re plugged into the hacker elite.
• Mating Call: “Back when I was interning at the NSA… well, I can’t say more, but you get the idea.”
• DANGER: If their lips are moving, they’re probably lying. If they ever touch your network, it might as well have a “Hack Me” sign taped to it.

Archetype 3: The Gearhead

• ID: Rig is a tricked-out beast that could probably mine its own crypto. Six monitors, RGB keyboard…still haven’t figured out how to change from the default root password.
• Habitat: Hardware forums, bragging about their portable WiFi Pineapple like it’s a lightsaber.
• Mating Call: “Check out my custom Nmap script… I downloaded it from GitHub and changed the banner color.”
• DANGER: They mistake tools for talent. All those tools and no clue how to wield them without blowing something up, likely their own career.

The Bottom Line

Look, we gotta nurture the newbies with potential. But real hacking ain’t about shiny certs, buzzwords, or RGB keyboards. It’s about breaking stuff, the joy of figuring out how things really work, and yeah, a healthy dose of rebellion. If some poseur rolls up acting like they’re hot stuff, hit ’em with a pop quiz on subnet masks and watch ’em melt down.

Originally published at https://www.cuscusaws.com on March 25, 2024.